Handling Your Partner's Emotional Triggers:

 

What We've Learned So Far

One of the gifts of soul relationship is that it streams a great deal of love and higher vibration energy our way that we can use as rocket fuel for our healing and awakening.

Most people in soul relationships go through a "bubble love" phase, where they are feeling the intense connection and love above all else.  This is very real energy, and it is what awaits you as you navigate the healing phases of your partnership and move into union on more levels.

Then, as you bring in more love and consciousness, what is NOT love and consciousness (old wounds, fears and beliefs) come to the surface to be healed.  It is actually part of the point of these connections -- to trigger each other so that we can awaken and heal.  But what ends up separating most soul relationships is the inability to handle emotional triggers.  This article is for you, to help you learn to handle your partner's emotional triggers with skill and to be truly helpful for them (and ultimately, for them to be truly helpful to you as they learn from your example).

The most helpful piece of advice I've received on this topic is this: "Remember: It has everything to do with you, and it has nothing to do with you.  Don't try to find yourself in their unconsciousness." 

When a partner is triggered, what is happening is an old issue/trauma/belief is activated by something (oftentimes US!) and it is coming up to the light to be healed and released.

Yes, we may be the "cause" of them getting in touch with their trigger, but we are not the cause of their deep emotions.  So it has everything to do with us (causing the trigger to be activated) and nothing to do with us (the emotion/belief whatever was there far before we came along and is part of their template).

The most important thing we can do when our partner is triggered is to try to get out of the way of our own egoic responses and BE THERE for them -- hold consciousness for their healing of that particular issue.  But what about me, we say?  As we all know, a triggered partner can be very unpleasant -- angry, childish, pouting -- a whole host of less than conscious responses.

But the only thing worse than one triggered partner is TWO triggered partners, and while that is inevitable sometimes, the sooner you can get yourself out of your own pain body, rise up into consciousness and help your partner heal, the quicker you will get your "real" partner back, and the less damage that will be caused.  If there are leftovers for you (your own triggers), save that for another time and do the healing on that issue separately, either on your own or with your partner's help.

When a partner is triggered, they are in a regressed, childlike state.  Logic will not work.  Trying to talk them out of what they are feeling will not work (and in fact will prolong and intensify the trigger and make things worse).  Having a fit of your own will not work.

If it feels like parenting a toddler, that's exactly what it is sometimes.  Everyone has seen a two-year-old get their feelings hurt and throw a toy at another kid or yell to their parent "I hate you."  Two minutes later, once the emotions are discharged, they are playing happily again.  Do they really "hate you"?  In that moment, they are feeling strong enough emotion to say so, but no, they love you.  They are just unskilled in that moment at getting their needs met, old fears and hurts are up, and you (lucky you!) get to be the target.

To be very clear, we are not talking about tolerating abuse.  If you are being hit, or verbally abused, etc. your partner's issues are very deep and you will need outside help.  It is not your job to be a punching bag, ever, even if it is your twin soul or soul mate and you have a soul contract to help each other heal. 

If a partner is yelling and angry, it can be the very best thing to step away for a little while in order to discharge some of the strong emotion until they are open enough to do the healing work.  But as much as possible, let their energy be what it is without you taking it on (do not try to find yourself in their unconsciousness).  Who they are speaking to in the moment is very likely not you at all -- it is their mother, a past partner, a bullying sibling, etc.  Some of what they are saying may "hit home" -- for example, maybe you do have an issue with what they are accusing you of -- but it is not the time in the midst of their emotional storm to discern this.  That comes later.

As sensitive souls, we often do take on others' energy, so when you find this happens it is important to clear your energy field afterwards.  The simplest way to do this is to ask Spirit to clear and fill up your aura.  We like to work with high beings for this -- Archangel Michael and the Lords of Karma work great.

So here is how handling your partner's triggers can look:  Sam asks Jane to help with a project.  Jane says or does something that triggers Sam, and he flies off the handle, telling her she never helps him and is doing it all wrong.  He storms off, leaving Jane startled with the intensity of his emotion and words.  Fortunately, Jane knows how to handle this, so she clears her field of his energy, grounds and centers herself, and holds Sam in a space of compassion and love as she knows he is merely releasing old hurts.  (It can be very helpful to see your partner as a loved and imperfect child in these moments -- they are merely hurt and in some indirect way are asking for your help).  When Sam comes back into the room, Jane tunes in to see if he is open or still closed to her.  If he is closed, she can simply go off by herself for awhile and do something that makes her happy or soothes her, without getting drawn into a discussion with Sam.

When things have calmed down, she can go back to Sam and say, "Honey, something I said or did really triggered you -- let's go there."  She can encourage Sam to describe what he was FEELING (very important) and ask him when the first time he remembers feeling that feeling before as a child.  The floodgates can then open, and oftentimes what is needed is simply for the triggered partner to cry and be soothed, held, and loved by the other partner.  There are often beliefs that got imprinted during intense emotional events (in Sam's case, for example: "I'm not worthy of help and attention, me and my projects don't matter.")  Ask Spirit to heal and clear any old untrue and unkind beliefs and stories we are telling ourselves based on these painful events.  It is also important to ask that past life woundings with this same imprint be healed for your partner as well.  Sometimes, deeper healing work is needed, and it can be helpful to have a trusted healer help you do the work.

As you do this for your partner, you will find the trust and healing can go very deep very quickly.  Ideally, the partnership becomes a dance of healing for the both of you, each of you taking turns serving the role of "parent" to the other one's "child."  It is amazing the power of a strong soul connection and the skill to navigate emotional triggers. These times are calling for us to heal a great deal very quickly, and there is a vast amount of emotional intensity to fuel our healing fires.  We wish you everything you need to navigate this challenging and very powerful path!

to your healing, awakening and union,

Remi and Jill