Zoosexual's Song

This is something I wrote a long time ago, and later recorded as a song because the original is in the public domain, so Gilbert and Sullivan can roll in their graves all they like for yet another American corruption of their work. These are parody lyrics of the Major General's Song from Pirates of Penzance, but with zoosexuality as the area of expertise.

Here's the [https://soundcloud.com/arlo-kilpatrick/modern-zoosexual]song[/url] if you want to listen (though admittedly the choral sections are rough, as I am one high-voiced man trying to represent about two dozen pirates and maidens.

I am the very model of a modern zoosexual,

I've information literary, sharp, and intellectual,

I've seen the documentaries and interviews and news reports,

From Joensen to Brenner, in the studios and in the courts.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters psychological,

I understand emotions which are simply biological,

About the roots of love and lust arising from the endocrine,

I feel the thrill of oxytocin after the adrenaline.

 

I'm very good at seeing dogs and horse from the point of view

Of equal creatures with a language I would never misconstrue.

In short, in matters literary, sharp, and intellectual,

I am the very model of a modern zoosexual.

 

I know our mythic history, of Leda and Pasiphae,

Of Balzac's Passion in the Desert and its use religiously,

I cringe at Thomas Granger's hanging death and all his lovers slain,

To satisfy the Puritans whose laws were harsh and inhumane.

I can tell the difference between puppy love and bestiality,

I know the "Awkward Conversations" character's mentality,

And I can hum Cat Stevens's song "I Love my Dog" in all its parts,

And sing of taking me to church so tenderly it breaks your hearts.

 

Then I can translate German theses with statistics on our ranks

And give them to the masses so they learn the facts and give us thanks,

In short, in matters literary, sharp, and intellectual,

I am the very model of a modern zoosexual.

 

In fact, when I can take the knot and stay tied to my lover's back,

When I can learn to please a dog by playing with his happy sack,

When winking, pleading mares are pleased by my attention to their rumps,

And when I give my dog the signal and he starts his eager humps,

When I have learned to prove our love is more than my own fantasy,

And those who say I harm partner all commit a fallacy,

In short, when I've experience in joining our anatomy,

You'll say that mine is just another harmless sexuality.

 

For my carnal knowledge, though in books I've learned a lot and gained respect,

I've never made another creature's junk emerge to be erect,

But still, in matters literary, sharp, and intellectual,

I am the very model of a modern zoosexual.


https://soundcloud.com/arlo-kilpatrick/heavy-petting