Issues For Siblings, Families and Friends of Star Kids
Star Kids are of course not a free-standing phenomenon, all by themselves. Like other children, Star Kids are embedded in a family-of-origin. Besides their parents and siblings, and these days, often step-parents and step-siblings, the Star Kid also has grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and even brother-or sister-in-laws. All of these family relationships form a web of connections.
Star Kids also operate in a residential neighborhood that provides immediate social contacts. In most neighborhoods children know their immediate neighbors, and even those more distant. Some of these neighbor contacts form relationships of friendship and support.
And Star Kids have a wider network of friends, developed at the school they attend, the clubs or sports teams they are members of, through meeting friends of their brothers or sisters, and in other ways. This circle of friends tends to be very important to the Star Kid, but such relationships can also be a challenge.
The sum of the Star Kid’s immediate and extended-family relationships, friendly neighbors and school, sports, club and other wider friendships form what has been called a social support network.
A brilliant Psychology Professor that I had the privilege of studying with at the University of California, Berkeley, and later at the University of California, Davis, Dr. Marc Pilisuk did important research on the social psychological principle of the Social Support Network. I was part of that research effort for a while. What came out of our research was a core finding that “social support”is a very important factor that makes a significant contribution to a person’s physical health and psychological-emotional health.
So powerful is the contribution to physical health that a good thriving social support network is like an on-going immunization shot: it makes the individual more robust and resistant to what would otherwise be the onslaught of disease or illness. A vibrant social support network sometimes even makes the difference about whether a person recovers from a serious illness or goes to his grave.
In similar fashion, social support exerts a powerful influence on a person’s mental and emotional health. Clinicians are so aware of this that mental health professionals structure the social support element into psychological treatment programs, such as Day Programs, where patients come in from home to not only do some group therapy together, but also do some projects as a group, perhaps crafts, learning money management, etc.
On the other hand, the absence of a good functioning social support system can work to the detriment of a child or adult, even if they are a Star Kid. The negative fall-out from there not being a social support system in place is that the child or older person is more susceptible to physical ailments, and has greater difficulty in recovering from them than would otherwise be the case.
Equally relevant are the negative effects on mental and emotional health where the child does not have the social support he or she needs.
Social support is not a luxury, or an “extra”. It is a vital part of a person’s essentials for operating as a complete person with a good chance at a physically and mentally healthy life.
Given that this is the case, the situation of being a Star Kid presents non-ordinary challenges to the child’s being assured of a good social support network in place. One challenge arises from the situation where the Star Kid finds him or herself embedded in a family, or a neighborhood, or school, etc., where he or she stands out because of their Star Kid brilliance, or their psychic abilities, or their energy-field effects on objects or other people.
Nothing sinks the potential of having a good social support network like getting labeled a weird-o, a nut case, “class brain”, a “space geek”, “an alien”, a “witch”, “possessed”, or equivalent terms of social disapproval and exclusion.
Most Star Kids welcome and treasure their friends. They are like other children in wanting to have friends, to be friends, to be liked, and to be included in group activities. It hurts a Star Kid like it hurts other youngsters when they are excluded, shunned or called names by those they had hoped to be friends with.
Within many nuclear families, the Star Kid is understood and accepted. In some families the child’s “strangeness” is noticed and commented on, but in a friendly way, and sometimes with the admonition that the Star Kid needs to keep his exceptional abilities within the family, and not let other people notice them, because “they wouldn’t understand.” In such basically-supportive nuclear families, the Star Kid finds the social support she needs to grow strong and healthy.
What about the family where the Star Kid is accepted by one parent, but the other parent finds the child’s “strangeness” off-putting? This is particularly sometimes the case where one of the parents is a Star Seed and takes cross-generational pride in his Star Kid offspring. While the other parent is not a Star Seed, is “not too sure about this alien business”, and generally doesn’t want the Star Kid to “act weird” around them. In such a divided home situation, the Star Kid is not going to get the same social support as in a home where all family members are pulling together.
To adapt as best as possible to such a household, the Star Kid and/or his Star Seed parent is going to have to take initiative so that the Star Kid gets the love, attention, acceptance and support he needs from the parent who accepts him for all he truly is.
What about those situations where the Star Kid finds herself in a family that is totally unaware of the Star Kid phenomenon, or is completely unaccepting of having any abnormality in their household? In such cases the child may have to go outside the nuclear family for the understanding and support she needs, and for being accepted totally for all she is.
The child might have the good fortune to have an aunt, a grandparent, or some other extended-family member who has spotted this child for the exceptional being he is, and has taken the initiative to reach out and gently let the Star Kid know that he is recognized, accepted, and welcomed for who he is. In other cases, the Star Kid may have to do the reaching out, tentatively revealing a little bit about herself to first one, then another relative, until she finds the supportive confidante she needs.
The neighborhood offers another layer of potentiality for the Star Kid and his need for a social support system. Many Star Kids find in neighbor children the buddies they need. But there are other situations where a neighbor child finds the Star Kid too “weird”. The situation gets compounded if the neighbor kid goes around and spreads the word to other children that the Star Kid is strange. A Star Kid is fortunate if in her neighborhood there is an adult neighbor who understands where the Star Kid is coming from, takes a liking to her, and offers a friendly haven to come and talk and share secrets.
School is another major arena in which Star Kids have to function. Rare the Star Kid who does not find a least one chum at school. Star Kids are no dummies, and by the time they have spent a little time in the school social settings, they have usually learned to “dial down” their advanced abilities and even their exceptional intelligence, so that they more or less pass for “normal”.
The same generally holds true for sports teams or organizations like Scouts, where the Star Kid may find a friend, particularly if they learn to cool it with the Star Kid talents. The important thing is for the Star Kid to get her social needs met. And sometimes after a strong friendship is forged, the Star Kid can let down her hair a bit further, and let her friend know more about the “real me” inside.
The main points to be derived from a consideration of the importance of a social support network in the life of the Star Kid are these. Star Kids should try hardest to forge allies within their immediate family. But the Star Kid needs to be ready to be adaptive. If there is not going to be acceptance of his special identity within the home, then reach out to the extended family. If that doesn’t work out, develop a buddy or two in the neighborhood that the Star Kid can be real with. Also, look to schoolmates for friends and allies.
Particular attention should be given to the brightest children in the class. There are more likely to be among them other Star Kids, perhaps also lying low and playing it cool. If the school has a gifted children’s program, give the kids in that program special consideration. There is almost certain to be several Star Kids in a Gifted Children’s Program, if not many.
All the Star Kid absolutely needs is one ally. Two or three would be much better. And after that, the more, the merrier. It also really helps if the Star Kid can have a confidante outside his family circle. Not that family aren’t terribly important.
It’s just that it helps the Star Kid to calibrate her sense of normalcy better if she can see that other people outside her family in the outer social world also understand and accept the reality of Star Kids.
Letters From Family Members Of a Star Kid
To illustrate the importance of the social support network for a Star Kid, and to show what strains occur when a family member tries to repress a Star Kid, I am presenting here several letters I have received from family members of Star Kids, and in one case, from the Star Seed person herself. After presenting the letter, I include my response to the family member writing, given at the time I received the letter. Since my thinking and understanding has evolved since I received some of these letters, I will also offer additional commentary.
In the first letter an overseas mother proudly writes about her five-year-old daughter, “C”, who is a Star Kid.
[The Mother writes]:
“I want to share a little something about my five years old little seed, my beloved “C”, my daughter.
“She actually can read people’s thoughts, find things you try to hide (especially feelings!), and… She never could stand being held or rocked for more than a few seconds… but she knows very well how to send you bright and warm energy, and to make you feel comfortable.
“Many feelings and emotions, for her, seem to flow directly from the "heart" chakra (sorry, don’t know its name in English), and from the third eye one (often at the same time, like a double flow of energy) without needing a hug or a physical contact…
“Very often she has displayed abilities like making you "look somewhere else" while she was doing something forbidden… And although I am psychic and a Star Kid myself, she often wins the game…!
“I can remember very well the first day when I caught her doing this, and I asked : "How did you do it ?," as casually as possible.”
"I made you all watch the shrimps on the table, and you did not see me going away through the door," she said. And she laughed, adding : "It is very easy !"
“Of course, parents with Star Kids (or indigo kids as some call them) do know of this… But here is a little something else we should think about, and which proves to me that these kids are in need of our VERY special attention and guidance :
“One day, as I was cross with her about some little thing she had done, she started staring at me in anger, and… bing, I got this excruciating pain in my forehead, seeing the flow of energy she was sending to me to…. make me feel her anger.”
“It took me a few seconds to realise, as I found this so incredible… Then I told her she had no right to use her mind to hurt others, and she blinked, and the pain stopped, and she asked me : "Why ?" (she was four and a half years old)
“So, I had to explain that others were not all like her mom or like her, and they would not stand her ways, could become very frightened, and… Could not fight with her this way, which was very unfair to them.
"I understand" she said. And she never used this again on me or on anybody else, (well, not on any one in front of me, right ?…) But at the same time, she started not to look at me when she was angry, and this lasted a few months, until she had discovered (well, this is a guess) how not to send her anger directly in other’s bodies.
“So, I would like you to consider that sometimes, we shall have to be very surprised by our kids, and we shall have to be prepared for this… because they need so much our loving attention, as "having powers" does not mean you know how do deal with them !
“Besides…. Does a child who is so sensitive and efficient need to be taken in your arms to feel your love ? I do not think so… Sometimes, I even get the certitude she would not let me hold her… because she feels my anxiety (even small and "unimportant" to me), and she just tries to protect herself from these feelings. Of course, it does not mean she would never touch me or ask for a hug, hey ? But she chooses her moments, and those always are moments when I am so happy, so "high" in my feelings, like when I have just prayed or worked on some energy with others on our "inner network" around the world (those who are Star Kids or indigos will know what I mean… I hope it will not disturb the others, but I cannot hide this information as I feel it is important to share it.).
“To conclude I would say that the "animal" way we often have to show others we love them seems to frighten these "new kids", although it does not prove they are in lack of any love when we don’t touch them… say… physically. It seems they have so many other means to stay in contact with their relatives and parents… I believe WE are the ones who should get adapted to this, and maybe we could gain some maturity in our way to display our emotions towards others, so as not to hurt them…
“I hope this long post was not boring to read… Along with it I send pink and indigo flowers, not only for those who will "catch them" consciously, but for all of us, as I believe now that we share much more as human beings than we used to think… This is something my "special" kids taught me, and it helped me remember that, as a kid, I really hated to be held by people who were not "happy inside"…
“Ah, these grown ups who always think they know better than you do !
S.
[Dr. Boylan responds]:
“Dear S,
“I think that you have stated succinctly but brilliantly the paradox of dealing with Star Kids Since they are so "sensitive" and telepathic, the crude physical-flesh, "gorilla" ways so many of us humans use to, for example, express affection through bear hugs is just too much for these finely-attuned little beings.
“Star Kids differ, but we need to attune to each child’s level of sensitivity and awareness.
-Richard Boylan, Ph.D.
I’d like to offer a little additional commentary on “S’s” letter. I tend to agree with her analysis that the reason her little Star Kid daughter sometimes resists being close or hugged is because this Star Kid is so exquisitely attuned to the emotional vibrations around her that for her own comfort, if not emotional protection, she pushes away from or avoids contact with persons whose emotional state, at least temporarily, is prickly, angry or otherwise unpleasant.
I’d also like to comment on the child’s need to be taught morality about the use of Star Seed gifts. Telepathic projection of emotion onto another human being is not necessarily a morally neutral act. In the case of the feisty four-year-old, when she was admonished for causing her mother a headache, she asked why it was wrong. This illustrates that even Star Kids need to learn that they have powerful effects on others, and it is not alright to take advantage of advanced powers to cause pain or suffering in another human being just because you are in a bad mood.
Moral development to recognize the rights of others is something that very young Star Kids have to be taught and learn, just as it is true of regular human children.
18-Month-Old Star Kid Grandchild
To: Dr. Richard J. Boylan, Ph.D., LLC
“Hi,
“I’ve been very interested in the concept of Star Children. My grandson at the age of 18 months started working the children’s software on the computer using the mouse. He is now 3 and very bright.
“I often give him energy with my hands and he will either accept it or push my hands away and state "no, hurt, grandma".
“I would like to know how I can help him progress without the restraints of society inhibiting his natural abilities. His parents think that the concept of star children is total nonsense.
“Thanks for any help,
N”
[Dr. Boylan replies:]
“Dear Grandma N,
“Good for you for spotting your grandson’s advanced abilities.
“And I know what you mean about some Star Kids not being able to handle extra energy sent their way. Let me share with you a little story.
“A week ago I was working with two Star Kids, 7 and 10. The 7-year-old shaped a ball of energy and used it to read my energetic field. The 10-year-old did an aura scan on me, and noted that I "had progressed to the sixth chakra in energy integration and was about to progress to the seventh."
“I wished to signal to these advanced boys that I understood their world. So I offered to send white light energy to the 10-year-old. He politely accepted it for a bit. When I had finished, and asked him how it felt, he replied that it gave him a headache, because he already had enough energy.
“Oops!
“As for your question about how to help this star kid grandchild when his parents think it’s all nonsense, I would say that you have to proceed sensitively. After all, in our society the parents "control the child." A concept not shared in more tribal cultures, to be sure. Given that parameter, there will still be times when you are alone with him and can let him know that you understand and value his abilities. Let him know that there is nothing he knows or is able to do that would put you off.
“The real challenge will be as he becomes more aware of differences from other age-mates. You can check what awareness he has of contact from elsewhere or origin from elsewhere. You might look at his drawings; they are truly windows into the soul of small children. You might ask in a non-leading manner if he has ever had anyone in his bedroom at night. But you may have to bide your time.
“Meanwhile, you can slowly educate his parents by nonchalant comments about various “leaks” on television and in the papers suggesting life on other planets or the reality of UFO presence on Earth. As you "soften up the beachhead" of parental unawareness, it will later be easier to broach the subject of how your grandson came to have his special abilities.
“Good luck.
-Richard Boylan, Ph.D.
The only additional comment I’d like to make about this lady’s grandchild is that if he was working children’s software at age 1-1/2, I’d like to hire him to work on my computer when he gets a little older!
Letter From the Mother of a Seven-Year-Old Star Kid Rape Victim
The following is what I wrote in response to a heart-wrenching letter written by the mother of a somewhat developmentally-delayed Star Kid girl of seven who was sexually assaulted by a 12-year-old neighborhood bully. I share this, because the world Star Kids have to grow up in is not always pretty. And also because tough situations and issues still provide an opportunity for Star Kid special gifts to be used and make their contribution.
{Mother’s name omitted to protect her and her child’s privacy]
[Dr. Boylan writes:]
“Dear [Star Kid’s mom],
“How terrible! My heart goes out to you, and dear L. I am glad L. is getting counseling.
“From what you say and the newspaper articles, it looks like this is not the 12-year-old perpetrator’s first crime, but that he has sexually assaulted her on a previous occasion, and also has physically assaulted a mentally-delayed boy in the neighborhood, too. So, the perpetrator boy has “three strikes”, i.e., is a repeat offender with a bad behavioral pattern established..
“The 12-year-old perpetrator is showing evidence of being a bully and having an incipient sociopathic personality, in that he preys on the weak. Unless he is stopped, he will do it again.
“You can also seek a Restraining Order, restraining the boy’s family from allowing him anywhere near your property. If he then should try to come over, he can be arrested for violating a Court Restraining Order, regardless of whether he tries anything.
“Your DA seems to think this is a matter of small children "playing doctor". A twelveyear-old boy in today’s world is not a small child, and sexual assault is not "playing doctor". If the DA does not know the difference, he should be recalled from office for gross incompetence.
“As for helping your Star Child cope, the measures of giving her counseling, love and support, and teaching her not to let boys touch her in sexual areas, are the same as for any child in such a situation.
“The extra Star Kid measures can include you, as a Star Seed mother, creating a telepathic connection with L., and, with her permission going inside her head to see how she sees the assault event.
“Another step is to help her to understand that the love and openness a Star Kid seeks to put out to everyone she encounters has to be tempered with some step to psychically "read" the other person, to get a "feeling" about their energy and goodness or badness, before she gets too close to them, and then to conduct herself accordingly.
“In other words, since she is young and slower, she needs to use her Star Kid "radar" on people before she lets her normal people-engagingness flow. People are more strongly attracted to Star Kids. So, Star Kids need to know how to handle the attention directed to them by smiling strangers, and to be taught to recognize that a smile does not always mean someone has friendly feelings for you.
“If I can help L. and you any more, let me know.
“In the light,
“Richard Boylan, Ph.D.
These letters help make clear that Star Kids, now, and when they grow up to be Star Seed adults, do not operate as isolates or detached persons. Fourth-World America has a long tradition of glorifying the Rugged Individualist as hero, be it Ayn Rand’s materialistic Atlas Shrugged, the Lone Ranger, the various “cowboy” solitary heroes played by John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Whatever the North American continent will end up calling itself as it transitions into Fifth World, it will need a new set of heroes, who are not ashamed to be, but rather are open about, acknowledging the importance of operating within a social support network that affirms their Star Kid or Star Seed identity.
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